mwahaha

Somewhere in Makati, I entered the lobby room/waiting area/torture bin/freezer of this company I was applying at with confidence not because I felt smart or like I fit in or something, but rather because nobody else was there. I thought, great, no competition. With such herculean effort, I wore closed-shoes and 6 band aids. Also tried my best to look clever with semi-business/casual attire but my snarky and smug face can never fool anybody. Not even the slow receptionist.



The whole floor was armed with security personnel that it actually looked like another Trillianes attempt of coup’d e tat. I thought, wow, OA, what’s with all the fuss. There were a lot of identification processes I had to go through, security was all over me, that it actually took me quite a while before I could have my tired, sorry ass kiss their elegant veneer.



The HR informed me immediately that I was late but she could still accommodate me in the first batch of applicants to take the exam. When she opened the door of the “testing room,” my mouth almost dropped open as I saw the room filled with corporate asses. I guess I underestimated the number of desperate Filipinos. Great. So much for NO COMPETITION.



The HR assistant announced twirling her tongue with the American twang that her nose were almost flaring, that we’d just have to wait for the Testing guy. And this is the part where I had the itch to grab a pen and paper to jot down all the details my vigilant eyes and painstaking ears could get a hold of. Aahh…blog-material…



As soon as she left the room, applicants started the “bragging marathon.” One particular girl, who reminded me of Kiray-gone-wrong only with a much refined skin that’s most probably drenched in centralized air conditioning for the past 23 years of her bratty life said, OH GOSH THIS PLACE IS SOooo POSH THAT I REALLY THOUGHT I NEVER LEFT THE HOUSE TODAY, MY GOSH! (sunggo!!!!). She said that in so-American accent and so loud that I actually memorized the exact words. And the haughty gay sidekick of hers added, I KNOW GIRL, THIS PLACE IS SOOooo CHIC. Then the girl beside me tagged my coat and asked me, ARE YOU ALSO LASALLISTA?? I said, HINDI. The moment I said that one tagalog word, the people sitting beside me gawked at me like I live in the slums and they live in Beverly Hills. Another girl asked me if I have any work experience, I said FIRST TIME KO, PATI MAG-APPLY. She gave me this concern, semi-empathic semi-plastic smile and said, OH NO, THAT’S TOUGH! GOODLUCK GIRL. I wondered, do I really look dumb? My childhood friend told me so, once.



The bragging continued. A girl wanted to impress this girl with a British twang; a guy kept fidgiting with his iPhone and looking around just to make sure we can see his iPhone; another girl said she just got from Singapore and was buying a Louis Vuitton when she received a call from the HR department “begging” her to take this exam; I also heard a guy with the funny teeth and konyo accent telling a story about his conquest for academic excellence to another guy who looks like a sore loser had it not been for his neck tie; a girl in a well-ironed coat’s stating she’s from Ateneo and a Dean’s lister and all that scholarly crap; and there’s these two silahis guy immersed in a very political conversation or was it about 69, i’m not sure.



And me? I was playing bastonera with my pen. Heck, they won’t even know what bastonera means. Five minutes had gone by, the proctor was still not around so I decided to have a little chat with this super nerd-looking guy sitting behind me who seemed to be the only one not immersed with the whole “battle of the brains” shtick. He’s a little bit Frankensteinish, what great entertainment. He flashed me an awkward smile the moment I faced him and I felt glad when he spoke to me in native tongue. ANG LAMIG ANO? BRRRRR. I said, OO NGA E. DAPAT MAY LIBRENG JACKET DITO TULAD NUNG PINAPAMIGAY SA WOWOWEE PAG MAY NILALAMIG NA AUDIENCE. He laughed with this horrid snort but at least he’s humble enough to not pretend he doesn’t know what Wowowee is. And he whispered to me, PARANG ANG TATALINO NILA ANO? NAKAKA-INTIMIDATE NAMAN. I said, KINAKABAHAN LANG MGA YAN KAYA SA SOBRANG TARANTA, UMINGLES. TIGNAN MO, ANLALAKI NA NG MGA ILONG. We laughed in chorus, snorted in chorus. Our self-righteous, genius-looking seatmates in high-end suits, stared at us like we were the official UNDERDOGS of that room. Pffft. All of a sudden, I started thinking what made Weng hate Makati.



The guy with the test papers finally arrived and apologized for the delay. He said it’s gonna be a challenging exam mostly comprised of grammar and vocabulary, conceptualizing and analytical problem solving. Everybody looked confident and all knowing, just as what I expected. Heads were soaring around the room and complacently held high. They almost reached the ceiling. As for me, I wished myself goodluck before plunging in the sheets of paper piled before me and I almost, ALMOST did the sign of the cross.



After an hour, the papers were collected. The exam was fairly difficult to the extent that the smoggy smugness in the room surprisingly evaporated. No more chins up, no more straight backs and military postures. Hello worried faces and slouchy backs! Ha! I didn’t know it will only take a few sheets of paper to wipe off their shits. Meanwhile, we were asked to stay in the igloo while he checks our paper! Man, my hands were freezing, my lips were turning blue, my stomach’s empty and who knows if I passed or not. I’m tellin’ ya, it was worse than the Chinese Water-drip Tecnhique.



When the testing guy went back, he called out a name, another name, and MY NAME. He asked us to stand up. And there was me, the Frankensteinish nerd guy and another guy in torn jeans and long hair who seemed lost and wondering what’s he doing in Makati. I saw the arrogant faces of those who remain seated lit up and they cheered quietly probably thinking that the three of us were eliminated and good to go. The testing guy led the three of us out the room. I was thinking, sheesh so much for going corporate. But as we were approaching the door, I heard the testing assistant informing the people left on their seats, PLEASE GATHER YOUR THINGS AND PREPARE TO LEAVE BECAUSE YOU DID NOT PASS THE EXAM. YOU MAY RE-APPLY AFTER 6 MONTHS.



Mwahahahahahah!!!



The three of us had these annoying, mocking grins on our oily faces. We waved buh-bye to them. I couldn’t believe there were only three of us who passed the exam in that room full of smart-asses. I thought, wow. Thank God I’m stuck with the nerd and the dirty. My kinda boys. Haha!